The Backyard Portal was originally written as a feature film with the intention of providing deep insight into what the nature of the journey is for executives as the context for leadership shifts from organizational to global. It is presented here chapter by chapter as I transcribe it, to provide managers, supervisors and all those experiencing job loss with insight into what it takes to make a change of career that better engages the deeper talent held within: one that intrinsically engages passion, purpose and meaning. [Photos are sourced from www.istockphoto.com]

Please forgive me for any editorial gaffes. I don't profess to be a writer, much less an editor. I specialize in balancing cognition with intuition to expand self-actualization and effective corporate culture change.

In addition to the story serving professionals whose career is in transition, I seek to attract an experienced screenwriter who can help me advance the script and a producer who sees the value of the story to the evolution of social, global and economic change. Please contact me at dawna@FromInsightToAction.com or at insightdawnajones@gmail.com

Please post any feedback on Twitter. My Twitter name is EP Dawna_Jones.

This is a story of a corporate executive who, as a consequence of being resistant to change, is fired by the Board. He looses it all. His journey documents the process of rediscovery guided and led by a series of unconventional and unusual teachers not the least of which is his five year old autistic mute daughter.

The Backyard Portal- One Executive’s Journey through Personal Crisis to Reinvention

 

By Dawna H. Jones

 

 

Chapter One: Under Pressure

 

A paper airplane sailed ceremoniously from one cubicle to another. They called this the ‘warren’, rabbit warren that is: a cluster of small cubicles each with an occupant. One of 200 or so burrows in marketing. A lone head belonging to a young mid-thirties marketing genius popped up to intersect the aircraft. Jason opened it up, and then laughed. Grabbing his PDA, he rapidly sent a message to the pilot of the paper aircraft. As he pushed the send button, he looked up to see his boss, Nathan, standing at the entrance to his cubicle. Too late to hide the evidence left by the flurry of paper airplanes, Jason knew he was busted.

 

Exuding frustration Nathan literally barked at Jason.

“Where are those numbers I asked you to get together on the product launch? I need them for the board meeting tomorrow.”

 

”I gave them to you yesterday.”

 

”What I saw isn’t what I want to show the Board.” Nathan spit the words out, his anxiety reverberating throughout the unit.

 

Jason is visibly uncomfortable, fully aware that he was about to stick his neck out far enough that it could be easily chopped off. Knowing he was making a career limiting move he looked Nathan directly in the eye.

 

“Results are results. I’m not fudging anything to make the bad news look better. Sir, we need to connect with customers not just sell. We have to set ourselves apart.”

 

”Don’t tell me how to do my job. I have been working this for fifteen years. The numbers don’t lie.” Nathan’s mind was made up. That much was clear.

 

Jason was ready for this. Nathan had been a marketing executive for a long time. His view of the world was driven by how things were; not how they are now. Working for him had been some sort of unusual punishment offset by the fact that Nathan knew a lot. More, in fact, than Jason’s work-mates were willing to acknowledge. Jason sensed that Nathan had a good set of instincts underneath a crusty exterior. The problem was Nathan was convinced that unless it could be measured it just didn’t count.

 

Still Jason was prepared to give up on him. There was potential for something to work. The question was, was there any receptivity?

 

It was Jason’s turn to be frustrated. “This isn’t a numbers game anymore!! It’s about people connecting with people. I can help you but you’re going to have to let me!”

 

Nathan’s contempt was palpable. “Yeah right... Entitlement telling experience what to do. I don’t think so. No thanks!”

 

Wheeling around on his heels Nathan spotted a young woman escaping into her cubicle.

 

“Holly! I need your help with the presentation to the Board for tomorrow morning. Get into my office Now!”

 

Pivoting, Nathan stormed off to his large spacious corner office leaving a rather pissed off and discouraged Jason wondering what to do next. Holly, a young female intern on a six month assignment, was hoping to remain with the company but she hadn’t expected the working environment to be so stifling. It was her colleagues that made it worth while. Even though they were leaving like ships from a harbor, she still saw potential in the company and secretly hoped she’d be able to stay. As she followed Nathan into his office, she stole a glance at Jason. The look on her face made it clear she felt like she was trying to plug a hole in the Titanic. Jason couldn’t help but smile as he pondered the contradiction of trying to save his boss from taking his own ship down.

 

Jason had graduated at the top of his class but that only spoke to his ability to navigate the academic hoops. His real gift was in sensing market dynamics and trends. He knew better than anyone what was underneath consumer demands. Though he had gotten into trouble for it, he had spent some time just hanging out in the on-line spaces where their clientele were, watching, participating, conversing and seeing what made people move toward or away from a particular product or trend. When he graduated, the company had snapped him up immediately and with good reason. The company had just appointed a new CEO who had some pretty progressive ideas. Invigorated with new energy, there was a sense of excitement in the air, even amongst those in the C-suite who thought change ranked right up with having open heart surgery minus the anesthetic.

 

As Holly closed the door behind her, Jason turned back to stare at his computer screen covered in charts and colorful graphs all of which disguised the reality of dismal results.

 

Four hours later, the only lights remaining were in Nathan’s office. Finally, exhausted yet feeling only partially prepared for the next day, he rose, grabbed his coat and headed out the door. The clock on his desk read 8:00 p.m.

 

The drive home was so uneventful he had no idea how he suddenly came to be in his own driveway. Absorbed in thought, he opened the door tossing his briefcase on the sofa while yelling a greeting to Claudia, his wife of eleven years.

 

Chapter 2: Overwhelm

 

Claudia gave him a cursory glance looking perturbed. She was a beautiful woman with a kind heart yet life as a corporate wife, mother and multi-tasker had taken its toll. She felt like she was holding up the world. She was sitting beside Sami, their eight-year old, an alert blonde soccer crazy kid, with her math homework.

 

“You’re late. Why didn’t you call?” she barked.

 

Though Nathan was prepared for this question, it was the last thing he wanted to deal with.

 

”Working on an important presentation for the board meeting tomorrow morning-crack of dawn. Where are Shae and Trevor?“

“No need to be short with me; leave your work at work. They’re coming back later. I’ve news about... ”

Sami interrupted at this point. “Mom... I’m stuck. I just don’t get this!”

 

Claudia, looking a bit exasperated, fired back “In a moment... maybe Dad can help you.”

 

Nathan flopped down on the couch. Speaking in Sami’s general direction with a tired yet warm voice he said, “I’ve enough problems of my own. You do your job and I’ll do mine. My job is to put food on the table; yours is to be brilliant at school.”

 

Sami jumped up from the table ran into the living room and plunked herself beside her dad. She was always full of energy, her eyes shining brightly. His face softened as he puts his arm around her.

 

”So you and your teacher butted heads again.”

 

Sami looked at her Dad incredulously as if he might have spies hiding on the classroom walls. “How did you know?”

 

Nathan shrugged. Sami looked puzzled and impressed. The exchange didn’t go unnoticed by Claudia who indignantly blurted, “Well... you just gave her more attention than you have given me in weeks!”

 

Nathan’s face returned to its hardened world-weary state.

 

“Come on… Enough! I get it at work. I get it at home. Nothing I do seems good enough.”

 

Wearing the look of a cornered cat, Nathan was angry. Sami noted the signals, got up and headed back to the table, pretty aware that being in the same room with two angry parents was not the best place to be.

 

Claudia unleashed a whack of sarcasm. “Well awards go to you for being the only one on the block whose life is not perfect. Want to hear about my day?“

Nathan looked up knowing it was a rhetorical question. Might as well stay uncomfortable and listen up.

 

”Shae has been diagnosed as autistic.”

 

Nathan was only half listening. ”As what?”

 

Claudia was clearly exasperated. “Autistic… Nathan she’s five years old and hasn’t said a word!”

 

”So? She’s just a bit shy. Aren’t you supposed to be teaching her?“

 

With that statement, Claudia exploded.

 

”Me! Me! Nathan, when are you going to wake up and be a part of this family!”

Throwing her arms in the air, she stormed upstairs slamming the door for emphasis. Sami grabbed her books off the table, rolled her eyes and headed up to her room. This wasn’t the first time her homework help time had been blown away by fighting. Nathan got up slowly, headed to the front door and walked out. Claudia sat on the bed, put her head in her hands and cried. 

 

 

Chapter 3 - The Numbers Never Lie

 

Nathan glanced around the suits and serious faces around the boardroom table. Almost all were in their late forties to early sixties. Out of the ten, all but two were men. Nathan scanned each face. Holly, his young techno-assistant, was on standby in case the Powerpoint presentation failed to present.

 

As Nathan talked his way through the presentation, the numbers on screen offered a dismal picture. The product was a loser. Millions had been spent to get this product launched and much effort put into advertising through the usual media outlets. Clearly the product failed to catch the imagination of its target market: Gen Y and X.

 

”So ladies and gentlemen, our results are not what they could be. I believe that we’ve over-estimated consumer interest in this product.”

 

John, Chair of the Board, leaned forward. “Nathan could it be that you seriously under-estimated what it takes to market this type of product?

 

“Perhaps. John, you may recall that we did request more staff to beef up the market research needed to keep up with changes in the marketplace. The request wasn’t approved by the Board. Perhaps now is a good time to revisit that decision. “

 

He paused for effect.

 

“We’re stretched pretty thin. Most of my staff is young, below thirty - they just don’t have the experience we need. Not only that, they can’t hack the pace... they bail out at the first sign of hard work.”

 

With this last comment Nathan felt like he had hit a home run. Their workplace was grappling with the Gen Y workers. They did things quickly… way too quickly. Everyone knows that things done well take time.

 

Nathan glanced at Holly, who in turn, looked sideways having heard this assessment more than once. She was fully aware he was referring to the majority of his team, including her.

 

John looked away from Nathan to scrutinizing each person’s face. Some reflect a glimmer of empathy for Nathan; some remain stoic. Others have an oddly smug look on their face. He turned toward Nathan.

 

”Nathan, the Board is concerned about management's capacity to meet today's current market challenges. We need results and we need innovation.  There are serious concerns around this table about management's capacity to deliver either.  We've been hoping that you and your management team could make the necessary adjustments.  You've always delivered - until now, and we don't have a lot of time.”

 

He paused for a moment. 

”Our younger workers may be bailing because they know the only way is to innovate, and they don't have confidence management is up to the task. In that case, who could blame them?”

 

Nathan felt stunned but tried not to show it. Confusion boiled inside and accompanied by a sense that everything he knew how to do, no longer had value. John looked directly at Nathan.

 

“Nathan, I want you to take a good hard look at what you have tabled with us today.”

 

With that he gave Nathan a perfunctory glance. Nathan knew he’d been dismissed. Gathering his notes, he walked slowly out down the hall into his office closing the door behind him.

 

When the office door opened the next time, Nathan had his coat on, a brief case in hand and a tired worn look on his face. Leaving with only a few people taking note, he stepped into the familiar elevator watching the numbers as it descended the thirty-two floors to the ground. Walking out the door, he aimed straight for the park bench where he did his best thinking. Lost in space, he sat down staring ahead blankly, slowly lowering his head until it rested in his hands. He looked up to see the lake, geese and kids playing, with the office towers in the background. As he rose to head home, the level of his fatigue hit him full on. He felt like he was ninety-years old.

 

When he walked through the door his twelve-year old son Trevor stared in dramatic shock.

 

“Wow! Dad! This is the first time I can remember you being home early in ages. Is everything OK? Are you feeling alright?”

 

”Yeah... fine.” He had never been a good liar.

 

”So, will you play ball with me?”

 

His five-year old bright-eyed daughter Shae looked up from her place beside Sami. Smiling and with a peaceful look on her face, she looked at her sister and simultaneously they got up, left the table and bounced upstairs leaving the boys to their baseball.

 

Claudia attempted to intercept. “Nathan, I need to talk to you about Shae.”

 

Ignoring her he grabbed his glove and signaled to Trevor to keep moving.

 

“Yeah...catch sounds good.” And they escaped through the door ahead of any more expectations. 

 

Chapter Four: It’s Not My Fault

 

He was later than usual for Nathan. At 8:30 a.m. he stepped onto the thirty-second floor and followed the trail to his office. With each step he became aware of an unusual silence. The normal early morning chatter wasn’t. There were a few staff members standing at the opening of their cubicles, Jason being one.

 

When Nathan arrived at his office door he understood. The door was closed; the entrance blocked by boxes, with a notice of termination taped to the door along with a memo to report to The Chief, Human Resources to negotiate severance. Shocked speechless, tinged with a strange sense of relief, Nathan retrieved his composure long enough to sit down on the boxes in order to gather his senses.  Staff retreat.... all but Jason.

 

”I’m sorry sir. This has to be hard.”

 

Suddenly without warning Nathan erupted.

 

“What’s wrong with this world? Am I surrounded by idiots?” Convinced he was being perfectly rational; his rage reverberated throughout the entire floor. There it was. Nathan’s entire identity packed in boxes. Jason backed off, clearly not wanting to be in the path of the tornado. Feeling royally betrayed Nathan rubbed his neck as a combined form of releasing stress and outright disbelief.

 

“Sir, if there’s anything I can do, call me.”

 

”Yeah...thanks.”

 

Rising slowly he walked down the hall dazed yet composed in a resigned sort of way. Jason wasn’t entirely confident that Nathan should be talking to anyone right now.

 

“Sir, where are you going?

 

”Human Resources. Might as well get the bad news all at once.”

 

”Are you sure you should be doing that when you are in not the best frame of mind?”

 

Nathan glanced back and shrugged. ”Can’t get any worse… can it?”

 

He knocked on the closed door of the Chief, Human Resources. Jason watched Nathan enter the office. When the door was closed he turned to Holly who was enjoying the dramatic theatre playing out in the office hallway.

 

“You know it’s too bad it had to happen this way. Deep down he’s a good guy with a lot of talent.”

 

Holly retorted: “Well, good riddance I say. Now we can actually accomplish something.”

 

No one saw Nathan leave the office. The elevator offered a quick escape to the street. His journey to the park was quick, fueled by an indignant rage and lurking sense of relief. His anger and confusion were palpable. Even the
geese avoided him. Shock and rage were indecipherably intermingled. By the time he rose he really wasn’t sure of how long he’d been there but it had been long enough to build up both a sense of courage to face the music at home along with a deep resentment for all that had gone wrong.

 

The trip home seemed longer than usual. Claudia greeted him with somewhat more grace than usual which faded quickly as he told her what had happened. As the news of his termination suck in, so did shock and panic.

 

“Nathan what will we do? We have a mortgage, the kids… what will we do.” Her voice was bordering on panic.

 

Nathan grappled with the stark reality of the loss and what it meant. Pacing back and forth across the living room floor he waved his arms around and vented.

 

”It’s fucked. The whole thing is fucked. Fifteen years I’ve given that company. Fifteen years. One little slip and I’m out.”

 

Shae, who was sitting at the kitchen table, went ballistic. As she entered the living room she had a complete meltdown. Claudia, instinctively aware that Shae’s response was connected to Nathan’s tirade, implored,“Nathan,calm down and for heavens sake stop swearing in front of the children.”

 

”They can read worse in the public bathrooms.” He muttered under his breath. Then raising his voice even louder he carried on with his rampage. “It’s not supposed to be like this. What the hell do I do now?”

 

Exasperated Claudia fired back, “I don’t know but I know I can’t take any more rage or blaming or fighting. Get your act together Nathan!

Nathan’s look was nothing short of incredulous in a dramatic sort of way. Dumped on more than once on the same day he shrieked, “My act?”

 

Fury erupted. Losing it, Nathan threw pillows, anything he can get his hands on. While Nathan was immersed in his hissy fit, Claudia was torn between calming Nathan or calming Shae who was lying in the middle of the living room floor kicking and screaming. The two seem to be synchronized. The scene is so ludicrous it bordered on spectator sport.

 

”Nathan...Stop!”

 

Nathan wound up and pitched the last available stuffed toy across the room while muttering under his breath about the injustices of the world. As it landed, Shae stopped her own inner rampage. Lying still, her hands covered her eyes shutting out the noise. Claudia turned and stormed upstairs. The sound of suitcases and clothes being pulled out of banging drawers foreshadowed her intention.  

 

Claudia barked, “Trevor, Sami get your backpacks, toothbrush and toys.”

Trevor’s anxious voice reached the downstairs area quite clearly. ”Why Mom?”

 

Nathan become aware of her plan. “What are you doing?”

”Getting out of here! You can figure this out on your own. Nothing I do or say makes a difference.”

 

The kids felt caught in the middle. Trevor and Sami were visibly upset, and weren’t sure what to say or do. Clearly, mom was in charge. After more banging and protests from Trevor and Sami, Claudia rushed down the stairs almost missing the last two steps, with her overnight bag and Shae’s bag in her hand. The two children followed behind her, scared, quiet and uncertain.

Nathan stood in shock like a rabbit in the headlights. Claudia crossed the living room, grabbed Shae’s hand, pulled her up and dragged her to the door.

Breaking her mother’s hold, Shae bolted to her dad hugging his legs like she was in the center of a tornado and it was the only anchor available. With relief, he reached down and picked her up. Instantly she calmed. Again Claudia tried to pull Shae out of her dad’s arms. She’d have none of it. 

Nathan wasn’t sure what to do. Claudia, too, was at a loss.Glaring at them both Claudia indignantly finally broke the silence. “Fine then ... stay here with your dad. You deserve each other.”

 

She tore out the door dragging Trevor and Sami along behind to the family minivan. As she fired the van into gear, she looked back to see Nathan at the doorway and yelled, “The trouble with you Nathan is that you think it’s always about everyone else!!” The van screeched into reverse and blasted off into the night.

 

Nathan stood at the doorway dumbfounded yelling back more of a rhetorical question than one he expected an answer for, “Where are you going?”

No reply. Darkness closed in as Nathan and Shae looked at each other. ”Now what?” His words hung suspended in the silence.

 

 

Chapter 5: Uncertainty

 

It was a beautiful morning with the sun streaming in through the window illuminating Shae who pulled one of her toys out of the bin and sat down to play. Periodically she tapped into her father who was in the kitchen. He actually loved to cook but hadn’t had time to do so for years. As he stared at the list of ingredients a voice echoed in this head. [It’s going to be OK Daddy. I’m with you.] He swung around to see Shae. She was staring right at him, her eyes boring a hole through his psyche. Shae had never said anything in her life. The idea that it was her voice was preposterous.

 

Ignoring the notion he mumbled,”Nothing can help me now except for a cookbook or a cook.” He dismissed the cookbook along with his rising sense of inadequancy, and turned to the frying pan. 

 

”How about scrambled eggs?” Shae made a face. “A smoothie?” Her face lit up as she gave him a smile with those huge beautiful eyes and then returned to her play.

 

Feeling creative Nathan whirred up a smoothie that even he would eat. As they sat down together to sip on their chocolate banana smoothie Nathan’s mind wandered to a vacant place as he mused on how his brain had taken a vacation. Even the simplest of tasks felt overwhelming. What was wrong with him? He felt so out of control. The very thought of work brought on panic and a senseless void. Panic prevailed.

 

The day went by slowly like one of those summer days that never ended. He and Shae went for a walk, played in the yard yet all the time Nathan couldn’t shake a guilty feeling that he couldn’t afford to delay finding work. At the same time, the more he thought of pushing himself, the more he felt like lying down and waiting until that feeling passed. His brain felt numb. He felt numb. He was there yet not there. Lost in space. Feeling doubt and afraid for what lay ahead. If Shae detected his doubt, she didn’t show it but simply gave him ever reassurance that all was well in their world.

 

By the time he tucked Shae into bed, he realized how fast the day had gone by. Shae’s eyes mesmerized him. They exuded peace and were an endless window to a crystal soul. When he gazed into them, all he felt was peace. Are all kids like this? He didn’t remember detecting the same sensation from any adult. Tucking her in, he partially shut her bedroom door and snuck down the hall.

 

The second he stepped off the last step into the living room he felt alone. It wasn’t pleasant. Where ever peace was, it wasn’t in his heart. Slumping into the sofa he stared at the blank TV for a few moments debating whether to turn it on and zone out. What else was there? He didn’t feel like reading. He didn’t feel like doing anything else. Television wasn’t what he liked or preferred to do but at least it was sound. He turned the TV onto low and returned to the sofa. Still feeling empty, his mind swimming in confusion, he finally rose and went to the liquor cabinet where he retrieved a bottle of Jack Beam. Normally he’d never touch the stuff durng the week. Right now, it felt familiar.

 

Five drinks later and slouching more than sitting, Nathan had finally shut his mind down. Like the leaning tower of Nathan he tipped over sideways and began to snore loudly enough that the walls reverberated. At the top of the stairs Shae watched silently, her blanket in hand.

 

The next day they migrated over to the nearby playground Nathan drove by every morning on his way to work. He and Trevor had come to the ball park to practice pitching but this was the first time he had been to the actual playground.

 

Shae bounced off to play with the kids as if she were like any other normal kid. He couldn’t help but notice that even though Shae said nothing the kids always seemed to know what to do and what came next. He was roused from his reverie by a striking looking Afro-American woman in her mid to late thirties. She greeted him warmly.

 

“My name is Sue. That’s my son over there.”

 

Nathan’s eyes followed her pointer finger. He spotted a boy quite a bit larger than Shae who immediately went to her. 

 

“Are you Shae’s Dad? This is the first time I’ve seen you here.”

 

Nathan ignored her question, his eyes following the boy as he moved quite quickly making clicking sounds as he went.

 

“Is there something wrong with your kid?”

As the words left his mouth he was acutely aware that tact was not his finest quality.

 

“His name is Tod; he’s blind and no - there is nothing wrong with him.”

 

“He knows the playground well.”

 

“Are you Nathan, Shae’s Dad?”

 

”Yes... yes I am.”

 

”Where’s Claudia?“

 

Nathan’s discomfort with the question was transparent.

 

”Staying with her parents for a while.”

 

“Is everything OK? Are her parents OK?”

 

”Her parents are fine as far as I know.”

 

”Ah... I see… I don’t mean to pry.” 

 

In the silence that wasn’t so golden Nathan worked up his courage to tell the truth, after all as the saying goes it was easier to remember. “We’re taking some time out right now. I l-l-lost, I ... was fired… yesterday.” There. It was out. It felt better and awful all at once.

 

”I’m sorry to hear that. But you know, it may be the best thing that could’ve happen to you. Most of the women who come to this playground are married to men who aren’t at home or the nanny brings the kid.”

 

”What’s good about that?”

 

”Nothing...”

 

“Someone has to do the work, pay the bills.”

 

”Sure, but at what cost?”

 

“I’m not sure I see your point.” Nathan was feeling a bit prickly at her indifference to his crisis.

 

”You will... give it time.”

 

She left abruptly to check on Tod who was getting a bit too close to a few older kids not known for their community-mindedness, to be generous. On her return Nathan rather brazenly, asked,”So what’s the story on your son? Why does he click?”

 

”He’s been blind from the age of five. He’s sensitive to sound so he’s learned to navigate much like dolphins do. He can detect large objects. It’s the moving ones that give him a bit more trouble, but he’s learning. It’s a newer approach to mobility for the blind.”

 

Nathan snorted. “I don’t believe that!”

 

“What part?” She was used to this.

 

“That someone can get around by clicking like a dolphin.”

 

The disdain in his voice was palpable. Sue turned to stare him in the face, astonished that the self-evident would be this unbelievable. 

 

”So what do you think you’re looking at?”

 

Nathan’s face showed a mixture of certainty about being right and uncertainty about seeing a seven year-old ripping around the playground while clicking away.

 

”It’s hocus-pocus. Woo-woo stuff!”

 

Sue laughed. She had heard worse. ”Well that woo-woo stuff has given my son the freedom of independence. Hocus-pocus is OK by me...” Feeling like the conversation had no where else to go she added, “Well ... time for us to go!”

As she turned to call Tod she tossed back an after thought, “Besides, the fact that you can’t wrap your mind around something you’ve never seen before doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.”

 

Tod was at her side in a heartbeat and as the two headed off together Nathan realized his curiosity was piqued. He also felt a bit insulted.

 

“Hey wait... are you coming back?”

 

Sue tossed the words over her shoulder as she moved quickly away. “Most days about this time. Nice meeting you!”

 

Nathan looked around him, now noticing the parents at the playground. He was the only man his age. Stark minority. It felt strange. Calling Shae over, he asked her... as a kind of experiment,”Shae, do you and Tod communicate?” The response arrived, soundlessly as a voice in his head, “Tod can see. He doesn’t need eyes. We hear thoughts.”

 

Shaking his head in puzzled disbelief, Nathan took her hand as they left, father and daughter, hand in hand.

 

Chapter 6: Barely Coping

 

Nathan’s eyes were fixed intently on the laptop in front of him. The phone book was open. Next to him was a mountain of paper documenting his search for his future. Company names, recruiting agencies, websites covered the pages each holding a glimmer of hope for the next step. Frustration emanated from his face. To his right, the garbage held the tale of his career in its many incarnations, none of them feeling like they told the real tale of Nathan: his talent, his enthusiasm, his desire to contribute to a company’s success. He was feeling the pressure of six weeks of being unemployed and nothing to show for it. He’d sent out fifty resumes each carefully crafted to meet the needs of the advertisement. No response; not even the honor of a rejection letter. After interviewing five recruitment firms none of them left him feeling that he was anything more than a number; a faceless transaction.

 

What did it take to get noticed? Why wasn’t it working? So far he had learned that he was over-qualified and under-educated for what firms were looking for. His education had come from experience. He’d worked his way up on merit alone. People had told him to ‘dumb’ down his resume so he could get even the entry position. The idea was revolting. Getting paid less was acceptable but becoming dumber to fit the expectation wasn’t. Firms looking for experience but wanting to pay a junior salary were asking for too much sacrifice. Where was the respect in that?

 

As he worked on version twenty of a resume that could be crafted and redrafted to fit innumerable positions the futility of the task pushed him over the top.

 

He pounded on the keyboard like it was his worst enemy. The file froze. Smacking his hand to his forehead he sunk down into his chair realizing that he hadn’t saved his work. Thirty minutes of brilliant writing was lost. In a fit of exasperation he flung the computer across the room, watched it take a chip out of the kitchen cabinet, then hit the floor.

 

A spectator to his own self-sabotage, he knew he had just become eligible for the Darwin Award for winning ways to loose data in through the stupidest act possible. He stormed out of the room and headed upstairs.

 

Thirty minutes later Nathan’s car pulled into the local nightclub; one that he knew well but had not been to in years.  Nestling up to the bar, he asked for a martini and then scanned the room. It felt strange to be here, out of place and in another time zone yet it was better than the silence at home. At least here there were people to talk to. Across the room a twenty-something woman matched his gaze. She was attractive. After all these years he wondered whether he still had the same social cache he used to, especially with women.

 

Two hours later they crawled between the sheets at Nathan’s house as he recovered his freedom once more in that nano-second of ecstasy. Drunk and blissed out both sank back into the sheets.

 

As morning poked rays of welcome through the bedroom shutters Nathan opened his eyes slowly. His head hurt. How did he get home? What did he do last night? Pushing himself up on one elbow he looked to his left repelling backwards as he took in the mascara covered pillow case complete with a fake eyelash. She lay sleeping, looking not quite as attractive as he remembered.

 

He slowly and quietly swung out of bed then tiptoed into the bathroom closing the door behind him. Sitting down on the toilet seat his head rested in his hands as he reflected on his latest insight. People aren’t always who they seem.

 

Two hours later she left quietly, with a promise that there would be a call. No sooner had he closed the door behind her than the phone rang. It was Claudia.

 

”Nathan, we need to talk.”

 

Nathan’s body stiffened knowing too well that this usually meant she vented and he listened. Sure enough. It was more like an announcement.

 

“Nathan I can’t keep staying at my Mom’s. With the two kids and Shae in and out it is becoming too much. I need the house. Since this whole thing was your doing, you move. Find an apartment. It’ll mean an adjustment for Shae but she can move back and forth.”

 

Nathan wasn’t prepared for this.  He was prepared for some blaming and some demands but not for this.

 

“Cut me some slack here Claudia. I’m trying to get a job.” Anger hijacked any hope for a measured discussion. “And quite frankly I don’t care what your situation is. I want to see Trevor and Sami. I’m not interested in changing my life to make yours work. Shae can’t stay with me.  I have to get a job. I have to get the money flowing again.”

 

”Nathan you aren’t making any sense. You want the two kids you don’t have and don’t want the one that wants to be with you.” Claudia did her best to stay calm. She wanted a productive conversation and was well aware that for that to happen, she had to keep her cool.

 

“It’s not that. It’s just that I need time to find work.” Out of pure annoyance Nathan went on a rant. “Right now, nothing I do seems to work. They say they want qualifications. I’ve got them plus experience. Then they say I am over-qualified. I’m a number; a nameless face in the pile of resumes. Who knows what they do with those resumes. File them? Someplace where the sun never sees them. You call them; they don’t call you.”

 

To Claudia, it was apparent that Nathan was making up excuses. If she had any empathy for him, it wasn’t available now. Especially not when she needed him to do something other than to ignore and resist the obvious course of action.

 

“Have you thought of doing something other than moaning that things don’t work?”

 

Though Nathan noted the sarcasm he ignored it. That too was familiar. After sixteen years of marriage they knew how to push each others buttons all too well.

 

“Yeah... but what? All I’ve ever done is marketing. What else can I do?”

Claudia was weary of being the major problem solver. It was a never ending case of propping up spirits so hope could emerge. It didn’t, or if it did, it only surfaced in waves of optimism followed by troughs of pessimism. Most time was spent in the trough.

 

”I don’t know, but I do know that I need you out of the house. You have two weeks. That’s when I move back with the kids. We need the space. Until you’re out, you won’t be seeing Trevor and Sami. That should speed you up. Do what you need to do...Oh...and by the way....I need some money.”

The explosion reverberated around the neighborhood. “Are you out of your mind? You’re telling me I can’t see my kids AND you want money from me. Go to hell.”

 

He slammed down the phone, grabbed the nearest object and fired it across the room. Crashing sounds did nothing to slow him down. Not until he stopped did he survey the damage. What he saw scared him. It was like watching himself in a movie of his own making. He didn’t like the person he saw leaking out of an otherwise nice guy. The idea that he could fly into such a rage and trash his own place held some dread. What else was he capable of?

 

 

Chapter 7: Secret Talents

 

When Claudia dropped Shae off the next morning the living room had been restored to a functional state minus any design sensibility.

 

Nathan stood at the door smiling as he watched his beautiful bubbly daughter bounce up the driveway with a smile on her face. Hugging her Dad she turned to wave at her mom as she drove off. Shae stood in the center of the living room for a moment, and then gathered up a few good books and plunked herself down on the floor.

 

Nathan took that as an opening to get some work done on the never ending job search. After all, it was Monday morning and the outlook for the week’s progress was hopeful.  No longer than ten minutes had passed before Shae came into the kitchen to seek his attention.

 

Feeling somewhat frustrated at having been stopped before he got started; his job search time interrupted he appealed to her good senses. “Is there someone you want to invite over to play while I try to get some work done?” As the words left his mouth he realized it was totally illogical to ask a question of a kid who didn’t speak. It pushed a button. His mood swung quickly from warm and loving to irritable. “Oh… What am I asking You for?”

As he turned away from her back to his pile of papers he heard a voice in his head; “Someone was here last night Daddy, a stranger. Why are you afraid of being alone?”

 

He whipped around to trace the source of the voice and came face-to-face with Shae, who had crept up beside him, her expression both puzzled and focused, yet free of judgement or condemnation. Genuine love exuded from her large eyes. There was no need to apologize for the truth.

 

The experience jolted Nathan’s fairly black and white way of seeing things. He wanted to deny the episode yet it felt so sharp and real; not hazy like those experiences which feel like they are part dream and part reality only you can’t tell which one is which. Giving his daughter a hug, he didn’t answer her but instead pointed her back to her play things with the promise that they would play together after lunch. Shae was an easy kid to be with, no question. She kept herself amused and was pretty low maintenance as kids go.

 

When Nathan finally left his pile of possibilities on the left side of his desk, Shae had done her own bit of decorating in the living room. It looked better, he had to admit.  It was just the way she had arranged things, placing them with deliberate intent. His mind began to record these details with rising interest. He was prepared to admit to himself that until now, he really hadn’t tuned in to who Shae was as a person. Home life had been a din of demands that superseded any capacity he had to take in and absorb the moment.

 

When Nathan and Shae made their way to the playground, the first person he searched for was Sue. Neither she nor her son was there. A new group of women were standing together. They noticed his arrival and meandered on over to introduce themselves.

 

An athletic looking woman named Pam was the first to speak.

“So you’re Nathan.”

 

”Yes.”

 

A second woman, quite attractive piped in, “So, where’s your wife?

“Visiting her mom and dad.”

 

”Permanently?”

 

The question caught Nathan off guard not so much because of the question itself. It had something to do with how it was asked, as if there was a motive behind the query. He didn’t like it.

 

”Hard to say.”

 

They surrounded him, glad to be near a man, up close and personal. Nathan couldn’t say he was unhappy to get the attention but at the same time something didn’t feel right. His personal space felt invaded. These women didn’t seem to be aware of boundaries. He knew he could get laid in a heartbeat if he wanted to. After the weekend experience, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to.

 

Surveying them attentively he asked, “Where are your husbands?”

The two women looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

 

“I’m Pam; this is Joyce.”  

 

Joyce was the one who answered his question. “Working, all day, every day, most nights too. Seven days a week.”

 

Curious, Nathan pried. “What do they do?”

 

Again Joyce took the lead. “Corporate executives, married to their jobs and to the company. We don’t see them much. By the time they do get home, there isn’t much left to give their family.” The words conveyed a certain amount of resentment, acceptance and resignation all at once.

Nathan squirmed. It sounded familiar. Too familiar.

 

”So where does that leave you?”

 

Pam and Joyce looked at one another and giggled.

 

Joyce was mischievous. ”Looking for some fun. We love our kids but it’s great to remember we have a vocabulary.”

 

Pam looked Nathan directly. “What about you? Are you looking for something more than a playground excursion?”

 

Behind the question Nathan got the suggestion. These women didn’t mince words.

 

“Not sure what you mean by that so ... thanks. And no. I am here with my daughter.”

 

Shae miraculously showed up by his side, appearing out of nowhere. Taking his hand, she led him away until they reached a spot out of visual range of the women, then they sat down. Nathan sat down on a bench feeling quite shaken by the whole exchange. One part of him felt flattered and the other part felt exposed, vulnerable and tense. He was relieved to be out of eyeshot so much so that he didn’t really notice what Shae was doing.

 

Shae stood directly in front of him with her hand on his heart; the other hand moving gently over his body.

 

“What are you doing?” She ignored him continuing to focus her gaze directly at his chest. His breathing had calmed. His heart felt like it had moved from his throat to his chest. Breathing came easier. He felt himself sink more into his body. The intensity had released. Odd. That was the only word that came to mind. Oddly peaceful. As he watched Shae complete her movements the thought occurred to him that if anyone else had told him a child could take you from a near anxiety attack to a place of calm, he’d tell them they were crazy. Shae’s silent voice confirmed her presence.

 

”You forget to breathe when you’re scared.”

 

Looking at her with a profound sense of appreciation he replied, “Yes, I do.” A pause later he added, “Thank You.” She took her Dad’s hand and together they walked across the field. Coincidentally, Tod and Sue were just stepping on to the field.

 

”So how’s it going?” Sue greeted him warmly. He felt no sense of threat from her. He was grateful. The kids ran off.

 

“Honestly?”

 

Sue crinkled her face,”Is there any other way?”

 

Nathan shrugged. The truth flowed easily. “Well, I’m still trying to find a job. I’ve been rejected for positions I’m over-qualified for. And Shae keeps surprising me ... pulls the rug out from under me.”

 

”Oh? How so?”

 

Nathan’s observations gushed out. Even he was surprised at what he was saying. ”Well for one, though she hasn’t said a word in her life, we seem to be able to communicate pretty well. Just a moment ago... this will sound weird... she waved her hands at me and I felt better afterward... way better. I’m not sure what that tells me. I don’t believe it yet something is going on I can’t explain.”

 

Sue smiled. “Hmm ... you have one special kid there.”

 

”Yes, I’m beginning to see that. It’s freaking me out a bit. Admittedly at first she felt like a burden.”

 

Sue nodded, “She’s been diagnosed as autistic?”

 

”Yes. Since she’s five and still hasn’t spoken a word I guess it does make sense. From the little I’ve read she fits the description except for the part where she is supposed to be anti-social...”

 

They look out and see Shae and Tod interacting happily.

 

”...in her own world, withdrawn and disconnected from others. She exudes peace. She’s happy all the time, knows when I lie or stretch the truth, even seems to know when someone has been in the house when she’s not there. She makes herself quite clear, is incredibly kind to me even when I’ve not been kind to her. Actually, the only part of the description that makes any sense is the part about late language development, something I’m going to have to deal with fast. She’s supposed to start school soon.”

 

”You may want to take her to a place I’m taking Tod to.”

 

”What place is that?”

 

”It’s a ranch near here, where horses do the teaching.”

 

Nathan scoffed. “Horses… teach? I don’t even like horses.”

 

Sue smiled again, with that familiar patient look on her face. “Fortunately, you don’t have to like someone or something to learn from it.”

 

Nathan’s cynicism was blatant. “How will that help her in school? What do horses know about people? How can a horse teach a person anything? Sounds like a crock to me.”

 

”Well, fortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Anyway, when you’re ready we can all go. It isn’t far from here and they’re used to working with kids who relate to the world differently. Adults learn more than the kids do usually.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“Most adults think that they know everything there is to know, especially when their kids are around. Horses have a way of showing us what we can’t see.”

 

Nathan shook his head out of pure disbelief. “Well I’ll believe it when I see it.”

 

Sue laughed while at the same time moving on with her day.

 

“Just let me know...OK?”

 

”Yeah-yeah-yeah ... I will.” When hell freezes over, he thought.

 

Later, after Shae was in bed, Nathan sat on the couch reflecting on the day’s events. He felt exhausted on every level imaginable. Was he getting sick? What was going on?

 

His resolute determination to get a job was going nowhere. Things were turning up that just didn’t fit any notion of reality he had become comfortable with. The glass of Jim Beam was at least reassuringly familiar. Taking one last swig, oblivious to the fact that Shae stood watching him from the top of the stairs, he paused staring at the glass pondering the notion that while Mr. Beam could be his best friend right now, it might also be his worst enemy.

 

 

Chapter 8: Exhausted

 

Claudia tossed the last bit of laundry into the washing machine. She was tired, exhausted in fact. She ached everywhere. Her hips ached, and her back ached. She felt like she was ninety and she was only forty-one. As she pulled the clothes out of the dryer her mind wandered to think about Nathan and her relationship with him. It had gone from being fun, romantic, and comfortable to a grind of holding up his spirit as work drained every ounce of energy. Yet the lifestyle was good. They had taken some great vacations, had a chalet in the mountains, skiied every year and lived well. But, was it worth it?

 

Did it matter? Her heart felt so exhausted that she couldn’t imagine a future with him in it. She had given it her all and now with the kids, she felt like she was carrying their world and his. His negativity was just too much. His drinking was too much. She felt like she was trying to hold it together for them all and just couldn’t do it anymore. If there were a way to jump to a parallel dimension leaving it all behind she’d be the first to beam up.

 

But then there were the kids. Being a mom had been the most rewarding thing she had ever done. When she left her full-time job ten years ago she was both relieved and afraid simultaneously. The thought of going back to work was a bit daunting. After ten years, what could she do? Things had changed; her world had changed. How do you plug back in when the world has moved on without you?

 

A sock dropped to the floor as she sorted the laundry. Another sock showed up stuck to a sheet. Do sheets eat socks? She wondered how many socks had been gobbled up by sheets and she’d never noticed. A bag of singles were in their home looking for their mates, permanently probably.

 

As she picked the sock off the sheet, static flew; a serious case of static cling. The electrical shock took her mind back to Nathan. He had given her a lot of static over the years. They’d both decided she should stay at home when Trevor arrived. At first, it worked quite well. Over time, they had both fallen into ruts of expectations for each other; expectations that weren’t being fulfilled. He might be as frustrated as she was for all she knew.

 

And then there were the kids. Great kids. She felt lucky to have them not withstanding the fact that she had no life. Between driving them here and there she felt like chauffeur, cook, coach, boss and friend all at once and she’d probably left a few roles out.

 

Maybe she needed to try speaking to Nathan about these things. It had never worked before but now might be different. As the last piece of laundry hit the basket, her mind went back to the task at hand. She picked up the basket full of neatly piled clothes and went to find the kids. It was time to return Shae to her Dad.

 

 

Chapter 9: An Offer to Refuse

 

When the Nathan heard the door knock he expected to open the door and see Claudia. Instead, he was greeted by Joyce’s smiling face. She walked right by him straight to the living room rather boldly he thought. She was attractive he had to admit. But there was something about her manner that he found unnerving.

 

“So where’s Shae?” Joyce asked giving away the hint that it was a question she knew the answer to.

 

“With Claudia. She’s off for more testing before school starts.”

 

”Wonderful!” Joyce’s entire body language changed to reflect her intent. She sidled up to him without any hesitation. Nathan squirmed. Wasn’t there something in the rule book about the guy making the moves. Clearly she hadn’t read that chapter. Glancing around for an escape route he tried to distract her.

 

“Where’s Joey?”

 

“At Pam’s place playing with Sam. I just thought I’d drop on by and see how you were making out without Claudia.”

 

This was clearly a woman who got what she wanted and didn’t take no for an answer.

 

”Pretty well. I’m learning how to cook and am actually enjoying it, especially when the recipes come with pictures. It’s the loneliness and isolation that gets me down.” The moment the words left his mouth Nathan realized he had set himself up.

 

Joyce didn’t miss a beat as she, in a sultry kind of way, replied,“I know what you mean...” She moved even closer to Nathan. Nathan felt torn between flight and freeze. Freeze won.

 

”I know exactly what you mean.”

 

Nathan was becoming incredibly uncomfortable. “Joyce...I… I ... don’t think...”

 

There was no point in finishing the sentence. With the speed of a martial artist she tossed him on the couch and jumped him, unbuttoning his shirt seemingly all in a single motion. “Joyce ... please ... I don’t think...”

He was interrupted by the door opening as Claudia walked in with Shae. Uncanny timing. If it hadn’t been so embarrassing and incriminating it would have been funny.

 

Joyce jumped off the couch, looked at Claudia as if the whole show were put on for her benefit. Methodically she rearranged her dishevelled self and in a fairly satisfied manner she swooshed out the door leaving Nathan to explain the situation. Nathan stood, speechless for another rare moment in his life, stumbling for words as Joyce flippantly tossed back, “Bye Nathan ... See you at the playground.”

 

Claudia stood dumbfounded. “Nathan...what the ?????”

 

”It’s not what you think. Well it’s what you think but it’s not what it looks like... it’s not my fault. Honestly.”

 

As he floundered for words to explain the situation he ended up digging himself deeper into a hole. Now she was disgusted. “Nathan... it never is your fault.” Grabbing Shae’s hand she turned to leave but repeating her performance the night Claudia left, Shae broke her grip and ran to her Dad who gratefully picked her up. He looked at Claudia with a measure of vindication, though why he couldn’t begin to explain.

 

Claudia spun on her heels and strode out the door, yelling back, “Out by next Saturday, do you hear me?”

 

Nathan’s reply hit Claudia in the back as she headed down the sidewalk, “No way. Not until we have an access agreement! Forget it!” Ignoring him, Claudia got in the van and drove off leaving a flurry of dust in her wake. Nathan slumped back onto the sofa. Shae curled up beside him and held his hand, looking at him with the most compassionate gaze he had ever seen, like some kind of angel. He didn’t deserve it.

 

 

Chapter 10: Dark Night of the Soul

 

The clock on the living room wall read 2 a.m. Nathan, looking disheveled and with a grizzly growth on his face that was part way between Marlboro rugged and just plain wild man was sitting on the living room floor. A faint glow from the corner ‘mood’ light revealed the only hint that someone sat in the shadows. His face was blank and expressionless. He had propped himself up against the sofa. Shae was quietly sleeping on the sofa, a light blanket covering her. The shades were closed. Shae coughed. Nathan glanced at her, and then took another sip out of his glass of Jim Beam. She coughed again ... then in one large whoop, she woke up. In his stupor and pit of self-pity Nathan could still see that something was very wrong. He was ready to die tonight if that what was the best for all but Shae…

 

He jumped up; fell over, still trying to get a clear image of his surroundings. It wasn’t working. The room was swimming around. Whirly room. Focus? Impossible. His eyes ached and his head hurt... nothing was clear. He needed help.

 

Dimly aware that the only person he could call on was the last person in the world he wanted to speak to he picked up the phone and dialed Claudia’s number.

 

“Claudia, there is something wrong with Shae. She’s coughing.”

 

“Nathan, do you have any idea what time it is?” She was groggy yet rapidly becoming alert as most Moms do when they realize that something isn’t right with someone they care about.

 

“No” he mumbled in reply.

 

“Well what’s happening?” In that moment, Shae coughed violently; so loudly that Claudia could hear her quite clearly.

 

“Nathan... take her in...” Every nerve in her body was on alert. That was not a normal cough. “Nathan? Are you there?”

 

“Yes, I am here.”

 

“Have you been drinking again?”

 

Nathan’s silence confirmed what she suspected.

 

”Can you come and get us?” As the words left his mouth he regretted the question. 

 

”Claudia, please help.”

 

Claudia was torn between compassion for Shae and anger at Nathan. ”I can’t leave the two kids alone. Mom and Dad are away and there’s no one else here. I’m not going to wake the kids up and haul them across the city because you screwed up.  You’re a big boy; get her in. And you for that matter! Figure it out.” She slammed the phone down feeling both vindicated and concerned. Had she done the right thing? Was he capable of handling the situation or had she just put Shae at risk?

 

Nathan flipped his phone shut then, feeling vulnerable and looking stupid, he flipped it open and called 911. Ten minutes later an ambulance rolled up to the door. As the paramedic passed by Nathan at the entry the smell of a home grown brewery hit him hard. Turning to Nathan he asked, “So how much have you had?”

 

”Too much”. Nathan’s reply revealed the shame he felt.

 

“Well, I am glad you didn’t try to bring her in yourself. Better that you and your daughter arrive in one piece and no one else dies. We pick the pieces up off the road. Not pleasant.”

 

Nathan looked up at the paramedic. “Thanks”. The guy could have torn a strip off him. He felt bad enough; remorseful and regretting that he let the alcohol take control. No more.

 

On the ride the medic peppered him with questions which he answered as best he could while watching the medic check Shae’s vital signs and breathing.

 

Two hours later in the waiting room at the hospital Nathan sat slumped over, head in his hands lost in his inner numbness. A nurse approached. As Nathan raised his head she confirmed his identity and gave him the report.

“She’ll be fine. She can go home now. Follow me.” Nathan breathed a noticeable sigh of relief, and then trotted after the nurse. “We’ll give you some post-discharge instructions. I suggest that you clean yourself up while you are waiting,” as she gestured to a small treatment room with a sink and a chair.

 

When Nathan emerged back into the waiting room, he felt more human and very humbled by the whole experience. Giving Shae an enormous hug, they left emergency to see the sun poking its way over the horizon. On the taxi ride home Nathan was lost in reflection. It had been a long night. Tomorrow would be another day; a different day with a new start… he hoped.

 

Chapter 11: A Chance Encounter

 

Nathan’s arms were stuffed with grocery bags as he left the grocery store. Barely able to see over the rim of the overstuffed paper bag he didn’t see David coming. Groceries and bodies flew as the collision set both back on their butts. As Nathan gathered himself to get back on his feet he took a better look at who he smacked into.

 

“David?”

 

David grimaced as he assessed the physical damage from the collision. Taking in Nathan’s face, his look changed from shock to delight. 

 

“Nathan?”

 

David was in his mid-fifties going on forty. His face was a combination of the Marlboro ruggged cowboy look combined with Buddha. He’d been around; seen a lot of life. It was etched on his face and his body had the well used look, but was strong, healthy and fit.

 

Nathan got up and dusted himself off then extended a helping hand to David. ”David? Whoa! How are you? It has been awhile.” Groceries lay everywhere. The two men began to clean up the mess.

”Sorry about that,” Nathan said to David. “Guess I should’ve made two trips.”

 

They scanned the debris left over from their collision.

A few tomatoes weren’t in the same pristine order they’d been. The eggs were a bit dented with yolk streaming from the carton. A helpful dog arrived to help with the clean up.

 

”No problem. It happens. So did you leave the company?”

 

”Yeah, about six months after you did but on quite different terms.”

 

”Meaning?”

 

”I was fired. You retired.”

 

David looked at Nathan directly both out of empathy and out of recognition that the distinction made a difference.

 

“Ouch... I’m sorry. What’s next for you?”

 

”Good question. It’s like standing naked in the shower in the middle of a four-way intersection during rush hour. I’ve no idea who I am, what to do next or where all this is going. My whole world has collapsed. I can’t seem to find a new job. No one wants to hire me. I just don’t know what to do.”

”Ah well... that’s the hidden opportunity.”

 

Nathan was puzzled by David’s reaction. “What do you mean by that?”

 

”I couldn’t wait to leave the grind. Yet once I did I was left in a bit of a void and had to ask myself, just who was I and what did I want from life. In the end after a certain amount of soul searching I went back to doing what I enjoyed the most before my professional life took over. I work with horses at a barn not far from here. They specialize in executive leadership development and therapeutic riding with youth at risk among other things, only instead of cutesy games, the horses do the teaching.”

 

Nathan’s mind jumped to his conversation with Sue. Immediately he felt his curiosity override the suspicion that flashed through his mind.

 

”Do they also happen to work with autistic and developmentally challenged kids?”

 

“Well yes, as a matter of fact they do. How did you know that?”

 

“A birdie at the playground told me. I blew off the whole idea as too weird for words.”

 

David smiled giving Nathan a patient look. He’d heard this before.

 

“Well it does sound a bit strange to some but trust me horses deal with you honestly, not like most people.”

 

”How so?”

 

“They are prey animals. We are predators. As such, they pay attention to how congruent you are; whether you are feeling the same way you are thinking. If you aren’t, they are the first to detect it.” 

 

”Yah, but what if you don’t like horses.”

 

David laughed again. “That’s got nothing to do with it. Horses pay attention to what keeps them safe so they're pretty tuned into what you're thinking and feeling. People have learned to separate their thoughts from their feelings. A person acts on what they feel. A horse knows and shows you which gives you the chance for a more honest relationship with yourself.”

 

Nathan reflected on his words. Aware that standing in the middle of the sidewalk was not the best place to have this kind of conversation Nathan felt compelled to take action.

 

“Well, it still sounds like woo-woo to me but it’s come up twice, so I guess I’d better check it out. When and where?”

 

David grinned. “Let me look at the schedule. I’ll call you with the details and a time.”

 

”Can Sue come?”

 

”You know Sue?”

 

”Yes, she was the one who introduced me to the whole notion.”

 

”Yes, course!” David laughed and added, “Bring your kids too.”

 

”Right now, I only have Shae.”

 

”Then bring Shae and Tod together. I’ll arrange it and call you.”

 

”Call my cell. I have to move by next Saturday. Claudia wants the house back” he added, his voice exuding resentment.

 

David prepared to leave, “Wow ... things really are in flux. Time for a visit.”  

 

Nathan gave David a look of appreciation. “Thanks for this David.”

 

“Look Nathan. Rest assured there is a better life after corporate. Sure, you give up the regular paycheck and gain meaning and fulfillment. I left corporate feeling numb. I had two personalities: one for work and one for home. It took me three months to regain my sense of humor. At work the only thing that mattered was the numbers. Who cares about the numbers? But what I’m doing now, that changes people’s lives for the better.”

 

Nathan reacted to his comment on the numbers. Weren’t they all that mattered?

 

“Sounds pretty esoteric to me. A company has got to make money.” 

 

”Sure. I’d be the first to support that. But everyone’s afraid. Afraid they’ll be fired if they have a bad month or make a bad move. You spend half your time trying to stay out of trouble and the other half pretending you have the room to take risks.”

 

Nathan burst out laughing. “Fair enough. As a guy who lived by the numbers and ...well look where it got me... I see your point.”

 

David’s body shifted. He was clearly speaking from a passion for his work. Nathan was captivated, even if they were standing in the parking lot. “I tell you. It’s pretty interesting watching a Type A executive in the ring with a Type A horse. The horse makes a move and the executive has a choice: leave or learn. Those who learn, see the world completely differently. Become way more flexible and way more present with themselves and the world around them.” 

Nathan was mystified. “OK...OK... you’ve convinced me that it’s worth a look though I have no idea how or why. Look forward to it.”

 

Nathan turned to leave, looking and feeling more optimistic than he had for a while.

 

Chapter 12: Believe it or Not

 

It was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot and not too cool. Nathan gently lifted Shae into the car strapping her into her car seat. Words entered his head.

 

’Where are we going?’ He looked at her to see her intense gaze.

 

“We’re going to pick up Tod and Sue and visit some horses.”

 

As he finished his sentence he instantly noticed what had just transpired. Shae smiled and calmly returned his gaze. She looked pleased. He was learning; beginning to open up.

 

Moments later they pulled into Sue’s driveway and loaded both Sue and Todd into the car. The two kids in the back conversed in their own way. The adults sat back and enjoyed the ride to the ranch.

 

“So what made you change your mind?”

 

“Ran into an old colleague of mine who works there.”

 

“Who?”

 

“David”, Nathan replied.

 

“Great guy” Sue affirmed.

 

They sat in silence most of the trip. Nathan’s inner thoughts scrambled through his anxiety and anticipation. They turned down a road, Nathan following Sue’s instructions.

 

“Just ahead, on the right”, she pointed toward a large facility with a spectacular arena, outdoor rings and a large sign requesting all visitors to report to the office.

 

“Pull up over there,” Sue indicated an area to park that was shaded yet close to the front office.

 

Sue jumped out to open the door as Tod bolted out, excited by the smells and sounds.  He knew what they meant. Nathan unbuckled Shae. The four entered the office area and found Julie, the lead horse wrangler and facilitator. In her late sixties with her long silver hair tied up she looked more like your grandmother than a horse instructor apart from the weathered face which had seen too much sun. 

 

“Hello, Sue ... Tod. Welcome. You must be Nathan and Shae. David told me about you...Tod and Sue, go ahead to see Joey ... he’s waiting for you. Nathan and Shae...come with me. David will join us shortly.”

 

Before Sue and Tod could turn around, Joey, an ancient cowboy, showed up out of nowhere. Nathan was feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Clearly he wasn’t in Kansas anymore. As the trio left, Julie turned her attention toward Nathan and Shae.

 

“I understand that Shae hasn’t said a word and she’s now how old?

 

”Five... almost six. She’s getting ready to start school which raises other challenges.”

 

Julie showed no concern. “I’ll tour you around, after we get the legal waivers signed.”

 

”Legal waivers? How dangerous is this?“

 

”Horses are unpredictable. The waiver simply states that you recognize that we don’t control how they will react to what you do.”

 

His apprehension slightly piqued, he reviewed the fine print and signed off the waiver.

 

“Thank you. Now I’ll show you how we operate. Then we can watch Tod with the horse who chooses to work with him today.”

 

“What do you mean by that? Do you mean the horse chooses? Isn’t that a bit risky? How would they know?”

 

”Horses aren’t dumb. They know who they’re going to work with before you do in much the same way that your dog knows you are coming home before you get there. David will show you what I mean later.”

 

As they strolled down the barn alley way, Nathan noted the plaques with the horses name printed on them. Shae walked calmly beside him. Exiting the barn they spotted Tod,a medium sized buckskin horse and Joey in the large arena. Tod was walking calmly beside the horse over an obstacle course. Nathan noticed that Tod wasn’t clicking. The horse walked right beside him, a bit too close from Nathan’s perspective.

 

“Do they always do that? Walk so close?”

 

”Tod and Tom Dooley have their own agreement. They operate more like dance partners.” The two adults stood on the side of the arena watching the proceedings. Joey wandered over, keeping one eye on the duo.

 

”Tom Dooley? What kind of name is that?” The question was addressed to no one in particular.

 

Julie answered. “He came with that name. Belonged to a teenager who sold him to a family. When their kids got to be too old, they gave him to us. He has a mind of his own. Great with kids. Doesn’t take any crap from anyone though.”

”Do you know the history of all the horses here?”

 

”Not all. Many though. Some tell us their story from how they react. Take Lucy over there... See that tall grey Thoroughbred?” Julie pointed to a tall grey horse standing half asleep in her paddock.

 

Joey piped in. “She’s missin’ an eye. Told she’d had a barn accident. One day, I took a pitchfork into her pasture to clean out some rocks. She goes ballistic. That said it all. Nathan turned to look at him with a horrified look on his face. “Do you mean she lost her eye to a pitchfork?”

 

“So it would seem. Accident my ass. The horse told me so. Wasn’t just the pitchfork. It was a man that held it. Many horses who wind up here ain’t been treated well, or they’re flat worn out performance horses. A few, like that one…” he pointed to horse who was flat out on the ground sleeping, “…are perfect for working with the therapeutic kids. Sandy loves to sleep, is virtually bomb-proof and is a great teacher for less able kids who need a patient friend. He gets the best of both worlds. Work that fits his personality and he’s earning his keep.”

 

Julie noticed Shae slip away and glanced at the direction she’d gone. Making eye contact with David across the way, he picked up her vigilant thought. Nathan was distracted and didn’t notice. Joey struck Nathan as the kind of guy who was short on words until he had something to say. So far, he’d given him a whole different way of seeing what he had dismissed as an animal. According to Julie and Joey, the horses were more like professional staff.

 

Musing on that he suddenly realized Shae was no longer at his side and in fact was nowhere to be seen. Panicked, he turned, looking this way and that, finally spotting her across the paddock surrounded by an entire group of horses. They look like they were having a meeting, in deep conversation. Ridiculous. His mind dismissed that thought. David was leaning up against a tree close but not too close. Noticeably relieved to know that someone was watching her, Nathan excused himself and wandered over to take a closer look. Both stood back.

 

”Thanks.I got absorbed.“

 

David glanced at him. “Easy to do. Horses are unpredictable for sure, but kids like Shae seem to calm them. I don’t know how it works but it works. There’s just a gentle understanding between them. Fascinating. Looks like they’re solving the problems of the world just by hanging out.”

 

Nathan crossed over to join Shae, curious to find out what was going on. If Claudia had been here she would’ve freaked out with worry. Thankfully, she couldn’t interfere. As Nathan approached the fence a tall horse approached, plunked his head over the fence and placed his nose on Nathan’s chest. David laughed. Nathan was torn between staying bolted to the spot, or running.

 

“Looks like you made a friend. I think he’s trying to tell you something.” David stood by patiently waiting to see what transpired. The horse kept his nose parked on Nathan’s chest. Nathan felt a bit disconcerted, slightly intimidated yet intrigued. He couldn’t resist a chuckle as the comedy of the situation became clear. “What could he possibly be saying?”

 

“Meet Jack. He’s our heart specialist. Jack more than any other horse here seems to hone in on how connected you are to doing what you feel versus following what you think. If there is any kind of disconnect between the two he’ll pick it up. Maybe he’s saying you need to pay more attention to how you feel.”

 

Feeling suddenly exposed, Nathan backed up quickly. The rapid motion set the horse off as he whirled and trotted off.

 

“You might want to consider spending some time here for you... not just for Shae.” David looked across to where Shae was standing... She was managing just fine. Nathan’s eyes followed David’s who was studying Shae with the horses. Nathan looked at David in disbelief, then back at Shae. She was standing there, the focal point of a semi-circle surrounded by a crowd... of horses. The scene resembled some sort of church communion with Shae being the leader of sorts.

 

Nathan was completely flabbergasted. “What’s going on?”

 

”Hard to say. We’ve had some pretty hard-core kids come through the program. Most leave transformed. Horses don’t judge and are very forgiving, unlike most people. Their relationship with the horses helps them remember why they’re here.”

 

”Shae doesn’t need transforming.” Nathan’s words and the force of his conviction surprised even him. Where did that come from?

 

David took his retort in stride. “No, she doesn’t. For Shae and kids like her, there appears to be a special connection that transcends anything we can explain. We had one kid here who hadn’t spoken for years, ever since he’d seen his parents murdered. Every day, he’d come and hang around one horse, like they chose each other - best friends. One day we overheard him talking to his horse. Up until then, no one knew he could even talk.”

 

Nathan’s eyes misted over as he contemplated the huge difference these horses had made to so many kids lives.

 

”Really makes you think, doesn’t it, David?”

 

”Sure does.”

 

“David, what did Julie mean when she said they have chosen to work with you before you arrive?” David smiled as if that were the miracle question.

 

“They just know. You’ll see.” He turned away and headed back into the barn. The introduction to the barn was over.

 

Still absorbing his experience, Nathan drove Sue and Tod home in relative silence. After dropping them off it wasn’t until it was just the two of them that Shae’s voice hit the airwaves loud and clear: “That horse liked you Daddy.”

 

So used to hearing her voice in his head, it took a few moments for Nathan to register that he was actually hearing her vocalize. He was still processing her words.

 

“How would you know that... ???“

 

”He told me. He thinks you pay too much attention to what people think and not enough to what you feel.”

 

It hit him. He almost drove off the road, swerved and regained control, then stopped the car and turned to look at her.

“You can talk! Why didn’t you do this sooner?” Nathan’s mind was in the cauldron of shock, disbelief and excitement.

 

Shae looked at him as if he was acting like he had never seen a child before. Shrugging her shoulders and with a note of finality that indicated there was nothing more to say she said, “I didn’t need to.”

Nathan stared straight ahead at the road, arms crossed over the steering wheel, trying to take in the event. Nothing in his rational mind prepared him for this. How would he explain this to Claudia? To anyone for that matter? He couldn’t help but laugh. And laugh. And laugh ... The joke was on the adults. Shae just smiled and looked out the window. Grown-ups were funny.

 

 

Chapter 13: A Change in Perspective

 

When Nathan broke the news to Claudia he was feeling anything but calm. He knew it would be hard for her to believe especially with the news coming from him. He’d thought of asking Sue to help him out but figured that might be just a bit too flaky. Picking up the phone, he took a deep breath and began.

 

“Claudia, she just started talking as if she’s been doing it all her life.”

Claudia’s response was predictable. “Impossible. You don’t just start talking after not talking for five years.”

 

”Well apparently you do... at least she did. I can’t make any more sense of it than you. Trust me she can talk as well as you or me.”

 

It occurred to Nathan, too late, that this was not the kind of conversation to have over the phone. He had no idea how she was absorbing this news or even if she was. He suspected that trusting his word wasn’t the right thing to say. He was right.

 

The silence was deafening as he waited for some sort of verbal cue that told him which way the conversation would go next. Finally it came.

 

“Nathan, I will need to hear her for myself.” Claudia replied slowly. It was the best he could’ve hoped for.

 

“Understandably”, he responded. “I must warn you though; I really don’t know how she’ll use her speech from here on in. She might just clam up again or she might operate like a normal five-year old. We’ll just have to see.”

 

Finally, he was making sense thought Claudia. It was the first decent conversation they’d had in weeks. She believed he was telling the truth as incredulous as it was but also knew she’d need to verify just what Shae was capable of. School was coming up fast. Much needed to be considered.

 

Hanging down the phone Claudia reflected on the events of the last few weeks. It had felt like a whirlwind with all her energy going into helping the kids settle into a different routine. She noticed that she was incredibly angry with Nathan. The depth of it surprised her. On the other hand, why should it? Turning her mind back to parental logistics, she grabbed her purse, car keys and dashed. Kids needed to be picked up and driven places.

 

Later that afternoon, Nathan and Shae made their way to the playground where they found, to total delight, Sue and Tod. He needed to talk to her. She would understand or at least not judge. The playground was starting to feel like Charlie Brown’s counselor’s office. Fortunately, the psychiatrist was in.

 

Nathan blurted out the whole story of the drive home, glad that he could speak freely without tempering his words or feeling anxious about asking the many questions that the whole episode begged.

 

“So what do you make of it?”

 

Sue paused considering her response carefully. “Well, I don’t know what to make of it. But then, I didn’t know what to make of Tod’s blindness or his ability to feel sound, to click and move at speeds of normal kids. I learned to trust what is.”

 

“Sue, do you mind me asking how your husband reacted to the notion that Tod clicked to get around?”

 

Sue laughed as the memory resurfaced as real as if it were yesterday. “Not well. When Tod first became blind, all the experts said that he’d have to go to a special school and be seriously limited in what he could achieve. It made sense until I watched how he moved around. Then, while surfing around the internet, I found Ben, a teenager who had taught himself how to communicate like dolphins do. Ben had been blind since he was about three. He agreed to help. The therapists initially wanted Tod to use a cane but with his high energy, it just didn’t make sense. I gave him the freedom to explore. My job was to have faith. That wasn’t easy nor was it instant but Ben’s Mom was a great example for me so I took a page out of her book and went with believing the impossible. I am glad I did.”

 

“Did Tod ever get angry about losing his sight?”

 

Sue’s eyes followed Tod as he romped around. “Not in the way that adults do when things don’t go their way. No, he took it all in stride as if he was simply to go with whatever showed up in his life. I think that helped him learn faster. He didn’t spend anytime resisting, fighting or grieving over anything he lost. He seemed to know somewhere deep inside that when he lost something, he’d also gain something else. That proved to be true.”

 

Wish I could’ve done that with my job, Nathan thought though the words remained silent.

 

“He simply adapted.” Sue continued. “Granted, there were bruises, crashes and times when I wasn’t sure. I watched how he got up, bounced back and carried on. If he had no fear, how would I be helping him by being afraid myself? It changed the way I saw my life.”

 

Sue paused for a moment. “Maybe Shae isn’t autistic. Maybe she’s just different. Our world doesn’t have a high tolerance for being different. She’s sensitive like Tod and her communication skills seem quite advanced. How did you two communicate before she spoke?”

 

The conversation was going in a direction that Nathan wasn’t entirely comfortable with mostly because there was no logical explanation. “Good question. At first, I didn’t think we did. But since I’ve been home with her, I started hearing voices...”

 

Sue raised her eyebrows, a slight smirk on her face. “More than usual?” She teased. Nathan ignored her. “I started hearing a voice in my head that could’ve been her. Sometimes she’d be staring at me. I wouldn’t admit this to just anyone, but what I heard in my head became hard to dismiss. The co-relation between the words, the voice and her expression was unmistakable.”

 

“There’s a lot we don’t know. The experts have a role but it’s also important to allow possibilities...”

 

They both watched their kids play, who were oblivious to the conundrum they were presenting to the conventional wisdom of adults.

 

”How are you faring with the loneliness?” Sue’s was genuinely curious. Most men she knew in Nathan’s position were quick to fill in the blanks over getting to know themselves better.

 

”Did you go through that?”

 

“Sure” Sue said. “I think that we all do at some point, but eventually as you make friends with yourself it isn’t an issue. Besides, you have Shae.”

 

”Yes, and when Claudia lets me, I can also see my other two kids.” Nathan’s energy shifted dramatically from strength to helplessness… and anger. It shocked Sue.

 

”Excuse me?”

 

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Claudia is blackmailing me into moving out so I can see my kids. I don’t mind moving. I just don’t like being forced or being coerced.”

 

Sue grimaced. She didn’t like it either.”She must be hurting bad to resort to those tactics. It’s a mark of desperation more than anything.”

 

Nathan let those words sink in. He hadn’t thought of it that way. All he had thought about was how much it angered him. That was what he liked about Sue. She helped him see things differently, opened up his perception.

”Maybe. I wish she’d be honest about it then.”

 

“She probably doesn’t know, isn’t conscious of her action.” Sue explained. “She probably just wants to both hurt you and to take some pressure off herself. Granted, I am speculating here but it is worth while looking beneath the surface.”

 

Nathan considered her words carefully, his anger subsiding and his certainty about the injustice of it all started to take a turn toward seeing the whole picture in another way.

 

“Did you take a psychology course to figure this out?” Nathan asked. “You make sense to me, yet when I have gone to see a psychologist I have felt rammed down a path I didn’t want to go.”

 

Sue smiled. “No, no psychology courses for me though I see the merit. One thing I have learned from Tod’s process is to experiment with how I see things. It often sheds new light on the situation. As long as I don’t get fixed on being right or on things being a particular way, I can get a better grip on what is really going on, separated from what I think is going on. Sounds like a superficial difference but in practice, it isn’t.”

 

“Good advice,” Nathan affirmed. “I think it will take some practice.”

Stay tuned for Chapter 14. The original part of this executive story was originally posted on http://EvolutionaryProvocateur.typepad.com

All Rights Reserved by Dawna Jones.